She Dumped My Sparkly Self For a Wheelchair
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: Aro and Carlisle have a fling, Jacob makes out with Renesmee, and Bella leaves Edward for Billy's wheelchair.
1. The Anti Dracula Knocks Up Bella

**Velvet Liquor here, just wanted to let you know that the Eclipse parody is currently in progress, but I thought that you all might as well enjoy the Breaking Dawn parody while you wait. **

**Disclaimers: I do not own the Twilight series. Yeah, I'm just crying my eyes out because of it, right? -_-**

**I do not own Meryl Streep OR Chuck Norris. Which sucks, because, not only would I have a fantastic actress at my disposal, but I would also own every single damn Chuck Norris joke ever made.**

**I also don't own Angelina Jolie, or her 473 children. Seriously, can you imagine how many diapers she must change in one day?**

PART I

Narrative Bella: New family, new clothes, new car. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that I'm getting married? And that the groom is a vampire? Naw, didn't think so.

(Bella stops to get gas)

Random Guy: OMG! Can I lyke, totally take a piccie with you new Mercedes?

Bella: Um, sure…

Random Guy: OMG! It's lyke, so coolio! Lyke, if a freaking tank lyke totally ran over this thing, lyke, it wouldn't even get one scratch!

Other Random Guy: Lyke, I heard that the windshield is lyke freaking missile-proof!

Narrative Bella: I swear, all guys do is talk about how in love they are with their cars. (Note irony here)

Bella: Psh. C'mon, Edward! Like a missile is just going to randomly fall out of the sky and hit me!

(Skip to the White House)

Assistant: Now, Mr. President, I'm going to go and get some lunch for you. Whatever you do, do NOT touch the big, red button.

Bush: Yeah, whatever! Just go get me a taco!

(The assistant leaves. Bush gets bored and starts drumming his fingers, then sees the big, red button)

Bush: Hmmmm…the big "If you push this big, red button, a random missile may fall on a girl who's hopes and dreams are to be turned into a vampire" button. Well, I've got nothing better to do while I wait for my taco, so… (Pushes button)

(A random missile falls on Bella's car, leaving her and her car intact, but destroying everything around her)

Bella: Well, I've been wrong before…

Narrative Bella: Telling Charlie wasn't the easiest thing to do either.

Edward: (Holding Bella's hand) What's happening, Daddy?

Charlie: He's impregnated you, hasn't he?!

Bella: No, Charlie. He's going to marry me first, _then_ knock me up.

Narrative Bella: Of course, Charlie _had_ to know something was up when he fired that bullet at Edward, and it ricocheted off of his skin and flew into the TV. Believe it or not, Rene took it way easier than Charlie had.

Bella: Mom, Edward and I are getting married, that way, we can have sex without feeling bad about it.

Rene: Well, I'm glad you made the right choice, sweetheart.

Bella: (Jaw-drop)

(Edward's house)

Alice: Don't worry, Bella, we're going to fix you.

Bella: Um, fix?

Alice: (Picks up a tube of lipstick) Don't worry, Bella, this won't hurt one bit…

Bella: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice: Rosalie, help! She's escaping!

Rosalie: (Pins Bella down) Don't move, Bella! This will only be worse for you if you struggle.

Bella: No, please! Just stop! I'm begging you!

Alice: Do you _want _Edward to see you as a normal, ugly girl at your wedding, or his beautiful, blushing bride?

Narrative Bella: (Sob) I had to make the right choice; Edward, my soul mate, or lipstick, my mortal enemy?

Bella: Fine, I'll do it!

DUN DUN DUN!

(Later)

Bella: Oh, Mom! It was horrible! Alice made me wear makeup!

Rene: There, there, sweetie, I'm sure it wasn't that bad. (Looks at Bella's face) HOLY CRAP!

Bella: What?! Do I look that terrible?!

Rene: No, you just look…good for once.

Bella: DX

(Wedding)

Bella: Charlie, I'd appreciate it if you would put the gun away while walking me down the aisle.

Charlie: (Cocks rifle, while glaring at Edward)

Bella: (Rolls eyes)

Minister: Edward Cullen, do you take Bella Swan to be your wife, to love her for all eternity, as you'll most likely be turning her into a vamp-I mean, um, do you?

Edward: I do.

Minister: Bella Swan, do you take Edward Cullen to be your husband, promise to cater to his every whim, do whatever he tells you, neglect your friends for your relationship-oh, wait, you already do. Well, do you?

Bella: I do.

Edward and Bella: (Entwine hands) As long as we shall live.

Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may bite-I mean, kiss the bride!

Edward: Let's get it on, Bella!

Bella: (Starts undoing dress)

Charlie: Rene, can you believe this?!

Rene: They're married now, Charlie. Edward can go and ravage Bella in the most inhuman positions possible for all I care. They said "I do" already, so they can have sex without feeling bad about it.

Charlie: (Shakes Rene by the shoulders) Good God! She's already got to you!

Jacob: (Appears out of nowhere) You're going to ravage Bella in her human form?! I'm going to kill you, you blood-sucking parasite! (Disappears)

Charlie: What the hell was that all about?!

Bella: Um, Jacob suffers from a severe case of diarrhea!

Edward: I believe you mean delirium, love.

Bella: No, diarrhea. Boy, did he stink up the bathroom or what?

Rosalie: Wait. You use the _men's_ bathroom?!

Bella: Well, not after the operation I won't.

Edward: Wait. Bella, love, please tell me that this "operation" takes place _before_ our honeymoon?

Bella: Nope.

Edward: DX

Alice: Well, sorry everyone, but we've got to get these two love birds to some deserted island, that way, they can go at it like a pair of wild monkeys on the beach!

Charlie: (Sobs into Rene's shoulder) WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?!

Rene: We?! Please tell me you're joking! Bella didn't even _know _Edward when she lived with me!

Charlie: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Deserted island)

Edward: Welcome to Isle Esme, Bella! (Strips and jumps into the ocean) Let's get it on, Bella!

Bella: But Edward, dearest, won't the sperm linger in the water? We could get some unsuspecting virgin pregnant!

Edward: Bella, that's just an urban legend. (Naughty smile) Now, wanna _play _with me?

Bella: What, Monopoly?

Edward: (Sigh) Bella, love, I wouldn't have given you the naughty smile, nor used the italics mark on "play", had I wanted to play a board game with you.

Bella: You're just jealous that I always beat you because you can't read my mind.

Edward: Guilty as charged. Now, let's get it on!

Bella: Woo! (Jumps into the water. They get it on)

(Skip to the future)

Angelina Jolie: (Gets in the water, then turns fat) Great. Child #473, here I come. Honestly, it's getting harder and harder to explain these things to Brad.

(Bella wakes up in the middle of the night, then starts wailing)

Edward: Bella, beloved buttercup, whatever is making you cry so?

Bella: It was horrible!

Edward: Did you have a nightmare?

Bella: Yes! Only…it was a GOOD dream!

DUN DUN DUN!

Edward: Are you serious?!

Bella: (Nod, nod)

Edward: (Bitch-slaps Bella) Listen, you fat ass bitch, don't you ever wake me up from a sexy Chuck Norris dream again! Do you hear me?!

Bella: Y-yes…wait a minute. You had a sexy dream about Chuck Norris?

Edward: Yes. And what's your point? You had a wet dream about Meryl Streep, for God's sake!

Bella: She has pretty eyes!

Edward: Well, if you can spend an entire night staring into Meryl Streep's eyes, then I don't see why I can't enjoy an evening of dancing in a tutu with Chuck Norris, while he rubs honey all over my body.

Bella: Um…ok. How about this? From now on, the only people who will be in our sexy wet dreams are each other. That sounds ok to you?

Edward: That sounds reasonable enough to me. (Hugs Bells. Whispers) Don't worry, Chuck, she can't keep us apart forever…

Bella: DX

(Bella wakes up in the morning)

Bella: Damn it, Edward! Go make me some fucking breakfast already!

Edward: But Bella-

Bella: (Low, demonic voice) NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!(Scrambles to the kitchen)

Bella: (Waddles to the kitchen) Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry! I was so mean to you!

Edward: (Moves a plate of scrambled eggs into view) Bella, love, it's perfectly-

Bella: FOOD!!!!!! (Grabs the plate and tips the contents into her mouth, then does the same with the frying pan)

Edward: 0o

Random Portuguese Woman: Ay carumba! El prego!

Edward: She is most certainly not!

Bella: I feel fat, Edward! Don't look at me!

Edward: (Looks away)

Bella: Why won't you look at me?! You think I'm fat, don't you?! Oink, oink, oink!

Edward: But you just said-

Bella: (Barfs on Edward)

Edward: DX

Bella: LE GASP! I missed my period!

DUN DUN DUN!

Edward: So?

Bella: But-but that means…(Points to her stomach) El prego!

Edward: Ay carumba!

Velvet Liquor: Am I seriously the only one who does not understand _how_ Edward and Bella reproduced?

Fan Girl: Well you see, when a sparkly vampire and a ditzy human girl love each other very much-

Velvet Liquor: Spare me the details on Bella's committing necrophilia please. I understand the process, but not what lead up to it. Meyer herself stated long ago that her vampires have absolutely NO bodily fluid. Sperm is a bodily fluid, so how did any of this even happen?

Fan Girl: Um…um…it's Steph's story, ok?! She can do whatever the hell she wants with it!

Velvet Liquor: D=

Bella: What are we going to do?!

Edward: I'll call Carlisle! We're going to get that _thing _out of you as soon as possible!

Embryo: _Thing?! _Oh, hell no, bitch! (Pushes button on control pad in Bella's belly)

Bella: (Barfs on Edward. Again)

Edward: DX


	2. In Which Jacob Becomes a Pedophile

**Velvet Liquor again. Part II is up and running, and I'm working on uploading Part III. I'm quite positive that Part III is going to be much longer than Parts I and II, so don't be waiting up all night. I'll try to get it uploaded tomorrow, and, if not then, the next day perhaps. **

**I suppose I have to do that stupid disclaimer thing all over again, don't I? (Sigh) Fine, then. **

**Discalimer: I do not own the Twilight Series. Once again, see me bawling my eyes out over it? **

**I do not own hairy, dog-eared infants. I don't think _anyone _does.**

**I also do not own pissing statues, or vomiting ones for that matter.**

**The only things I own are all the random, snarky comments that I forced the Twilight characters to say. Hey, you have to give me this, at least-my versions of them are loads more entertaining than Meyer's original creations _ever_ will be.**

PART II

Narrative Jacob: I bet it's such a relief to hear from someone other than Bella for once, huh? Well, I bet now that Edward's finished ravaging Bella's carcass, they'll call Charlie and break the news to him. I wonder how they'll do it…will they say she died in a tragic plane crash? No, because then they'd have to explain how Edward survived. Maybe they'll tell him that she spontaneously combusted into flames? Naw, even that's a bit too drastic for Bella. AHA! I'VE GOT IT! They'll say that she tripped on a pudding cup, fell down the stairs, and broke her neck. Yep, that's Bella for you. Besides, I have to admit that that'd be a lot easier to explain than "Excuse me, Charlie, but I think I accidentally did your human daughter too hard."

Leah: God, Jake, you're sick.

Jacob: And you're a bitch.

Leah: Grrrrrrr…

Jacob: No, seriously, you are. Because a female dog is a bitch? Get it? (Cheesy smile)

Leah: Ugh! You _do _need to get some new jokes!

Seth: Did you guys hear? Apparently Carlisle called Charlie just now.

Jacob: Isn't that just like Edward? To chicken out of confronting Charlie himself, and make Carlisle, the only somewhat tolerable person in the entire family, tell Charlie _for _him! God, he makes me sick!

Seth: Dude, it's not what you think.

Jacob: Then what is it?!

Seth: Bella caught some kind of South American disease during their honeymoon. She's really sick, and Carlisle doesn't know if she's gonna make it or not.

Leah: Ha! The only disease Bella could have possibly caught was AIDS!

Jacob: So you think she's dead too?

Leah: Duh. Even though she's dead, the bloodsucker's probably _still_ having his fun with her corpse.

Jacob: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!

Sam: No, Jacob! We don't have the facts straight yet!

Jacob: I do.

A. Bella's dead.

B. Bella's dead.

C. Bella's dead.

Either way you look at it, she's dead, and the Cullens will soon be joining her!

Sam: I FORBID YOU! (Alpha voice-big, bold, capital letters. Tehe.)

Jacob: (Slips into human form) Haha, suckers! (Races to Edward's house)

Carlisle: (Opens the door) Come on in, Jacob.

Jacob: (Comes in) Wow! It's like you knew I was coming _before_ I actually got here!

Edward: DX

Jacob: (Sees Bella on the couch) Bella! Oh, Bella, I thought you were dead!

Bella: Of course not, stupid! However, I _did_ put on a crap-load of weight. (Rosalie helps Bella stand up)

Jacob: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Ay carumba! El prego!

Narrative Jacob: That stupid bloodsucker knocked her up, and now she's carrying the fucking Lock Ness Monster!

Edward: (Glares at Bella's belly) My thoughts exactly, Jacob. May I speak with you outside?

Jacob: Fine!

Bella: Could you two please come back in one piece? There I go again, always thinking about others before myself! Geesh, I should be on Oprah or something.

Oprah: And next, on the Oprah Winfrey Show, I'm going to be talking with the beautiful, charitable Bella Cullen! So, Bella, how does it feel to constantly be addressed as a shallow, Mary Sue-type character?

Bella: (Places hand on heart) It hurts, Oprah. It hurts.

(Jacob follows Edward outside)

Jacob: You knocked Bella up with your demon offspring!

Edward: (Sob) I know! Poor Bella! She's going to die, and it's my entire fault!

Jacob: Uh, hello?! Ever hear of a little thing called an abortion?! Tell Carlisle to get that _thing_ out of her!

Edward: She won't let us. (Sniffle)

Jacob: She won't let you?! Dude, she can't even stand up on her own, for crying out loud! Knock her out and kill your baby vamp!

Edward: She says she loves it. Jacob, try to convince her otherwise! Please, I'm begging you! If not for me, for Bella!

Jacob: What do I get out of this?

Edward: Excuse me?

Jacob: My service isn't free.

Edward: But I thought that you'd try to convince her to have an abortion because you love her?

Jacob: I _do _love her, but she's treated me like crap throughout this entire series. So, what do I get in return?

Edward: Um…tell her she can have puppies!

Narrative Jacob: The thought of Bella giving birth to a pair of furry infants with dog-ears really turned me on, so…

Jacob: Ok, so long as I get her every other day.

Edward: What on Earth do you mean?

Jacob: Uh, hello?! How do you think we're going to _make _the puppies?

Edward: Pupp_ies?!_

Jacob: (Kool-Aid Man voice) OH YEAH!

Edward: But we're married, Jacob! It's not like I can share her with you!

Jacob: Hey, she's Mormon, it's not like one extra husband is going to kill her or anything.

Edward: True enough. Fine then, it's a deal.

(They shake hands, then re-enter the house)

Jacob: Bella, I think you should have an abortion.

Bella: ?!

Jacob: No, no, hear me out! Do you _want _to be fat? Do you _want _to lose your love life with Edward? Do you _want _to get up at three in the morning to change diapers, because I guarantee Edward won't, what, with his acute sense of smell, and all.

Bella: But I love my little EJ…

Jacob: EJ? :/

Bella: Edward+Jacob=EJ.

Jacob: You named your child after Edward _and _me?

Bella: (Nod, nod)

Jacob: Ok, I'm just gonna ignore how creepy that is, and move on with the plan. Bella, you're Mormon, right?

Bella: (Nod, nod)

Jacob: You don't seriously want to settle down after only _one _kid, right? And only _one _spouse? Honestly, Bella, I think you're selling yourself short.

Bella: Wow, when you put it that way…

Jacob: So let this baby go, Bells. It's not worth your life, and all that other Mormon crap I just mentioned. And you don't have to be tied down to just Edward either.

Bella: What are you talking about?

Jacob: I love you more than anything in the world, Bella! We can have children, ones that won't eat their way through your stomach!

Bella: (Pokes belly) Well, I do like my stomach to be in one piece…

Jacob: (Takes Bella's hand. Suddenly, Edward's on the balcony, playing violin music to get Bella in the mood) Um…ok? I guess that works too. So anyways, Bella, I love you, and I want nothing more than to spend my days with you.

Bella: Awww…that's so sweet, Jacob.

Jacob: We can get married on a beach, just the two of us.

Bella: (Romantic sigh)

Jacob: And our honeymoon can be in Hawaii, just lying on a hammock all day.

Bella: (Moves closer to Jacob, preparing to kiss him passionately)

Jacob: And then I can hold your hand…

Bella: (Dreamy face) Yes?

Jacob: While you pop two hairy, dog-eared infants out, screaming your lungs out the entire time.

Bella: Ewwww!!!!! That's disgusting! (Runs off)

Jacob: Damn hormones…

Edward: Jacob?

Jacob: Yes, Edward, dearest? (Cheesy smile)

Edward: YOU FUCKING IDIOT! (Bashes his violin into the side of Jacob's head)

(In the forest)

Jacob: Guys, Bella's pregnant.

Leah: (Gigglesnort) Ha! The bimbo cheated on the bloodsucker!

Jacob: Not quite…

Everyone: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam: We have to kill it!

Jacob: I tried to convince Bella, but she says she loves it.

Sam: Who said we were going to give her a choice?

Jacob: But-but if we kill the baby, then, then Bella-no! Sam, we can't!

Sam: Yes, we can. We have to do it. Jacob, it's our job.

Jacob: No, Sam! This is wrong!

Leah: You're just biased, Jake.

Seth: But it _is _wrong!

Sam: WE ARE ALL GOING TO KILL THE BABY! FEAR MY MIGHTY CAPITAL LETTERS OF DOOM!

Seth: (Whimper)

Jacob: (Yelp)

Sam: NOW, LET'S GO!

Jacob: Wait; I just remembered at this precise moment that I'm the _true_ Alpha! How convenient!

Sam: NO, JAKE!

Jacob: YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH CAPITAL LETTERS NOW, BITCH!

Sam: (Whine)

Jacob: I'M LEAVING! (Leaves)

Seth: I'm coming with you, Jake!

Leah: Me too, Jake!

(Edward's house)

Jacob: Carlisle, how's Bella doing?

Carlisle: Not well, I'm afraid.

Jacob: Why don't you just _force _her to ditch the little monster?

Carlisle: I could never force someone to give up his or her free will, Jacob. Surely you understand?

Jacob: Phooey.

Carlisle: Bella's can't keep anything down, and she's quickly losing all of her bodily fluids.

Narrative Jacob: No shit, Sherlock. The little devil's drinking all of her blood!

Edward: That's it, Jacob! Bella needs blood!

Carlisle: OMG! Bella needs to drink blood!

Velvet Liquor: Nice job, Carlisle. You know, with you being a _vampire doctor_ and everything, one would assume that you would have figured this out _weeks _ago.

(Hospital room that just _happens_ to be a normal room in their house)

Edward: Bella, love, we think that the fetus may need to drink blood to survive.

Bella: Are you freaking kidding me?!

Edward: (Points to Jacob) IT WAS _HIS _IDEA!

Jacob: DX

(Carlisle hands a cup of blood to Bella, complete with a bendy straw)

Bella: Ooh….bendy straw…

Jacob: Ok, Bella, we all know that you're obsessed with bendy straws, but could you just drink the blood already?!

Bella: (Drinks the blood) MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carlisle: Bella, don't you think you should take it easy-

Bella: ROAR!!!!!!!!! NEED MORE BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carlisle: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Gives Bella more blood)

Alice: Hey, who wants to go on a random hunting trip?

Esme: (Raises hand)

Carlisle: Bitch, go bake me a pie.

Esme: But you don't even _eat _real food, and I'm _soooo _hungry-

Carlisle: (Bitch-slaps Esme) I said go bake me a pie, woman!

Esme: Yes, master! (Scurries off to the kitchen)

Jasper: (Raises hand)

Emmet: (Raises hand)

Rosalie: (Raises hand)

Carlisle: (Looks around the room, then raises hand)

Velvet Liquor: Hey, Carlisle, I hate to be "that person" but don't you think it would be better if you stayed here to help take care of Fatty over there?

Carlisle: They have Esme to help if anything goes wrong.

Velvet Liquor: Oh yeah, Esme's going to keep Bella alive with her amazing pie-baking skills.

Carlisle: Now you're getting the idea!

Velvet liquor: DX

(Everyone but Edward, Jacob, Bella, and Rosalie leaves)

Bella: I have to take a piss, Rose.

Rosalie: Ok, sweetie. (Mutters under breath) It'll all be worth it when Lard-O croaks…

(Suddenly, Bella drops the cup, reaches down for it, then ends up in labor)

Narrative Jacob: That's when Bella vomited a fountain of blood.

Velvet Liquor: What exactly does that look like, Jake?

Narrative Jacob: Well, you see, it looks exactly like one of those statues that's pissing into a fountain, except that, this time, it isn't a little boy emptying his bladder, but rather Bella emptying the contents of her stomach, and the water's dyed red for dramatic visual effects.

Velvet Liquor: So glad I asked…

Edward: (Picks up Bella and places her on the bed) Quick, Jacob, help me get her clothes off!

Jacob: I don't understand why she needs to be fully undressed, Edward. I mean, her belly's the only part of her that really needs to be exposed.

Edward: I swear, Jacob, you are _sooooo _gay.

(Edward cuts into Bella's stomach)

(Crickets chirping)

(Edward cuts into Bella's stomach again)

(Crickets still chirping)

Edward: Ok, Rosalie? What the hell?!

Rosalie: What?

Edward: You totally missed your cue! I mean, I cut into her skin and everything!

Rosalie: Oh, you want me to go crazy for her blood?

Edward: Duh.

Rosalie: Listen Sparkles, not _every_ vampire is in love with the scent of her insides, ok? And you, Pervo, stop staring at her boobs. It makes you look desperate.

Jacob: I _am _desperate.

Edward: Can you just get out of here so we can wrap up this scene?

Rosalie: (Sigh) Fine. Aaaaahhhh. Blood. Oh no. (Leaves)

Jacob: Well, that certainly was…dramatic.

Edward: She didn't get hired for her acting, buddy.

Jacob: What _did _she get hired for?

Edward: Someone has to hump the director, you know. (Delivers the baby)

Jacob: Well, it's certainly no EJ…

Bella: (Randomly wakes up for no specific reason other than to move the "plot" along) Renesmee! (Passes out again)

Edward: Rosalie, come take Renesmee.

Rosalie: Renesmee?! What the hell was the girl smoking?!

Jacob: (Smirking) So, how goes humping the director?

Rosalie: (Knees Jacob in the groin, then turns to glare at Edward) I thought that was our little secret?!

Edward: (Shrugs, then pushes Rosalie and Renesmee out of the room)

Jacob: Dude, Bella's heart won't start back up again…

Edward: (Snarls at Jacob, then pushes him out of the room as well) Fine, I'll just bring her back to life myself! That's what I get for enlisting help from a damn Indian…

Narrative Jacob: So I figured I might as well just leave, seeing as how the girl I loved was lying naked and dead on a bed, and her crazed, glittering husband was pounding on her heart, trying to force it to beat again.

Edward: (Punching Bella's chest) LIVE, I TELL YOU, LIVE!!!!!!!!!!

(Downstairs)

Rosalie: I wove, you Renesmee, yes I do! You're just the cutest wittle baby, aren't you? Yes, you are! Yes you are!

Jacob: That "cutey wutey wittle baby" murdered Bella, crushed Edward's heart, and stole my virginity!

Rosalie: Really?

Jacob: Well, the first two were true, but the second will eventually happen someday. Now, I'm going to kill that little demon!

Renesmee: Hello, Jacob. Actually, I'm a sophisticated newborn infant with a remarkable IQ of 374, and I'd very much appreciate it if you would spare my life. I mean, goo-goo gaa-gaa?

Narrative Jacob: Screw Bella! I want that hottie over there to squeeze out two of my fuzz-covered, dog-eared puppies!

Jacob: (Switching to Imprint-Mode) I wove you, Renesmee, yes I do! You're just the cutest wittle baby, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!


	3. AUTHOR'S NOTE

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Hey, guys.**

**I know what you're thinking:**

**"Yes! She finally updated the last part!"**

**Well, I didn't. **

**In fact, I can't find the last part, which means it's got to be written all over again.**

**Fuck, I have to read Part III of the shit-fest that is Breaking Dawn AGAIN. DX**

**You see, this is why Velvet Liquor doesn't write her parodies down on paper anymore.**

**Hmmmm...it appears that I've just let my gender escape.**

**Oh well, so now you know that I'm a sixteen-year-old girl.**

**Sorry if I just destroyed any thoughts you had about my being a hot teenage boy with an odd sense of humor.**

**Wait, no one was getting that vibe?**

**...**

**Oh.**


End file.
